When Life is too Short

I don't know what is going on around me. Over the last 2 weeks, I have known of 3 mothers that have lost their children way too early. It's just heart-wrenching, unfair, and undeserved. One mother is actually the sister-in-law of my dear BlogFriend, April. The other two are moms I know personally - one baby lived for a couple of hours, and the other baby was a full-term stillbirth. It's weighing so heavy on me that I couldn't help but write about it. Some of you know that we lost our first child. Our Madeline Kate was born, and welcomed into Heaven, on March 30, 1999. She was tiny - just under a pound, and 12inches long. We held her in our arms, and even though she was so small, I remember marveling at God's miraculous creation. She was our first child - God took part of me, part of my husband, and part of him and created this tiny life. Though small, she was complete with eyelashes and fingernails. We have the print of her footprints, and they are the tiniest things you have ever seen..and one of my greatest treasures. I mention all of this to show how real the loss of a child is - it is going on 9 years now, and the pain and loss is still real. It doesn't go away, but, with God's help, you learn to live with it. When I hear of mothers losing their babies, I cringe for them, because I have walked that road to healing, and it is long and bumpy. I think of all they have ahead of them, and it makes my heart hurt. However, I will be the first to say that I am not the same person I was before losing Madeline. What Satan meant for harm, God really did use for good eventually. The road to healing, as difficult as it is, is also paved with comfort, love, and blessings. It's being able to truly appreciate the gift of life, and not take it for granted. It's feeling like God is just literally holding your heart together. It's also the feeling of being able to relate to how God must have felt when he gave up his child. It's feeling God's presence like never before. It's even experiencing the miraculous - when God touches your heart, and, one day, makes it whole again. So, as much as I hurt for these moms, there is a tiny part of me that welcomes them - welcomes them to this club of women who get to truly see the heart of God, and who will, one day, look into the eyes of God and recognize their own sorrow in his eyes, bonding them to the Father like nothing else can. It's not a club anyone wants to be a part of, but there is no other place to experience the Fathers love in that particular way. Please keep in mind, I say this after years of healing...there are many many tears shed before one gets to that point.
Now, I will attempt to do a service to any mother that has lost a child. I will make a list of what NOT to say to a grieving mother...
- "at least you can have another child someday" (it's NOT about another child someday, grieving is about THIS child's life)
- "God has a reason for everything" (yes, I'm sure he does, but unless you know that reason, and it sounds like it is worth losing a child over, just keep that to yourself. NO reason is worth losing a child to a grieving mother)
- "God is sovereign" (again, yes, he is, but pain and loss is NOT part of God's plan for his children. The only reason there is pain and loss is because this is a fallen world)
- "be thankful you lost him/her early and not after really getting to know him/her, that would be so much harder" (are you kidding me? Every day with a child, born or unborn is a gift, and any mother would want as many as they could get)

Good things to say/do
- use the child's name when talking with the mother. It's like music to her ears.
- say "I'm so sorry", "I'm praying for you", and then stop. There is really no need to say more. Just let her know you are there to listen.
- send her a card now, and one a couple of months from now, and another one on the birthday of the child she lost. It's hard when it feels like everyone else has forgotten your child after time has passed.
- never hesitate to bring up or mention the child she lost. You won't be "reminding" her of a painful memory. She is already thinking of the child anyway, and you are just acknowledging the child's life.
- PRAY. Ask her specifically what you can pray for for her.
- If the Holy Spirit prompts you to say or write her something specific, do it. You just might be answering one of her prayers.

Whew! Sermon over! Can you tell I have a soapbox on this topic?

By the way, in our case, God used the loss of our child to eventually lead us down the road to adoption. According to the date our dossier was submitted in Ukraine, we should have had a Feb. '08 appointment. Instead, "somehow", we ended up with a March date. We have had several words spoken over us that the Lord was going to turn the time of Madeline's death into a new beginning for our family. We will be in Ukraine, Lord willing, with our new daughter on Madeline's 9th birthday. How great is our God?!

God works EVERYTHING together for good, in his timing.